Vampire Bats

Vampire bats are native to North and South America, and exist in three species: the common vampire bat, white winged vampire bat, and hairy legged vampire bat. It has been theorized that hairy legged vampire bats are just common vampire bats that spent a semester in Europe three years ago and still won’t shut up about it. These flying critters are the only mammals that have adapted their entire lives to being parasites (unless you count your exes). Vampire bats have been observed begging each other for food, as well as sharing it. This answers an age-old question of “if a vampire bat chugs your blood, will it also throw a little bit up for one that didn’t get to chug any of your blood?” These little demons are like most bats in that they inhabit large, dark, empty places like caves, old wells, abandoned malls, and any other place that’s been run out of business by millennials. On a positive note about these heralds of the underworld, their spit improves blood flow in stroke victims. We found that out after a bunch of them attacked a stroke victim.