The law office of Cranker & Stepdad (no relation) would like to issue the following press release at the request of our client, Mr. Howard Stackle.
Firstly, this press release is not related to Mr. Stackle’s two previous releases, which stated “neti pots are just waterboarding for ninnies” and “I actually like talking to people who read the book before they saw the movie”.
With the situation still developing, it’s important that we keep this short, but leave it long on top and a shave as well please.
To address the obvious, yes, Mr. Stackle did develop and market a brilliant needle-free blood testing system for diabetics. While opponents of Mr. Stackle claim that the product is just a wood handle with a piece of metal at one end and comes in packaging that says “Stanley Tools Tack Hammer”, Mr. Stackle insists that it also contains no needles. Our client would like to officially state that he wasn't implying that diabetics should hit themselves with hammers, despite the rumor that he wakes up every day repeating the mantra “Get tenderized, insulin junkie.” This rumor, though vaguely plausible, is also totally true.
Having receded from the public eye and forehead, Mr. Stackle receives daily threats from Diabetic Nationalists, as well as our firm’s collections department. Lastly, our client would like to tell you about the dream he had last night:
In a dark tavern, a visibly drunk Dr. Frankenstein leans over the bar, under dim light. With ferocious eye contact, he says “Bologna? More like Crow-logna.” and nods frantically.
In analysis, this dream unveils Mr. Stackle's paralyzing fear that Frankenstein was an FDA informant.
Thank you.
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