Fashion is the most important human innovation aside from medicine and pre-flight check-in. The ancient art of avoiding nudity was first introduced by the Dysplasians, who had sought an alternative to duck-walking everywhere to hide their boring hips. Perhaps the oldest fashion tradition would be the necktie — originally shorter, cheaper, and natively called a “Five Dollar Foot Long”. Worn by only the bravest fighters, the necktie was meant as a way of establishing who would be responsible for ordering appetizers (“tie” is a derived from “appetizer”). In greeting, each warrior would grasp the fat end of the other's tie. If he found his opponent’s grip to be stingy, he would yank the thin part in the back, resulting in a humiliating, but harmless, fatal strangulation. We might hesitate to call these people savages if only they hadn't also done this with travel pillows.
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