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  • Cam Writt

Aldo Martin Montgomery

When he was born in 1847 Argentina, Aldo Martin Montgomery’s mother was the victim of a “natural birthing” scam, in which a boa constrictor had lied on its resume about being a midwife. Nevertheless, Aldo was born at a healthy 7 pounds, 5 ounces, and 4 ½ feet long. The mother survived, and reportedly maintained a scandalous relationship with the reptile, as a fraud telemarketing team. Aldo went on as a tradesman in removing lightbulbs, often making side money by retrieving sunglasses off the bottom of the ocean; having an aptitude for both professions due to his height and his love of the dark. When the Great War started, he promised every asset he had would go to the national cause, much to the horror of his comrades. They watched as he painted himself as a submarine and attempted firing rearward torpedoes at enemy civilian populations. Some say his actions, however horrific, inhumane, and unethical, ultimately saved lives by ending the war as soon as possible.

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